After the Funeral and Why Food Is One of the Most Meaningful Sympathy Gifts

Your friend or loved one has lost someone. You’ve attended the funeral. And now you’re not sure what to do. The tradition, for generations, has been to bring food to a gathering after the official ceremony. Casseroles, lasagnas, cakes, and small bites fill tables in a home, while people gather to celebrate the life of the deceased. But why? Why is food still one of the most meaningful sympathy gifts? And why does that gift extend well beyond the funeral?

It all has to do with the grieving process and the many forms of support that food provides.

Grief Is Not Linear

The primary reason it’s important to think about what happens after the funeral is that grief has no timeline. Furthermore, everyone experiences grief differently. You may have a friend or family member who doesn’t express traditional grief, like crying, denial, or anger. One person may experience shock for several weeks before finally breaking down in tears. Another might feel bereft or depressed almost instantaneously. Meanwhile, the funeral comes and goes, as do the people and the sympathy gifts.

Remembering that grief follows no specific timeline can help you support your loved one as they move through the process unique to them. And food is a critical part of support because it meets an essential need. While someone is suffering, no matter how deep the emotional or physical struggle, they still have to eat. Sending a soup care package, a casserole, or even a basket of cookies can help keep them afloat while they heal.

Food Offers Comfort

Why food, you ask? While it’s true that you can provide other types of support, from housekeeping to childcare, food is almost universally comforting. Everyone needs to eat, and food hits so many positive centers in the brain and body. Comfort foods like macaroni and cheese, chicken soup, or chocolate cake can trigger dopamine in the brain, which is the happy chemical. These same foods, among others, can also provide energy for someone who feels depleted.

To take food a step further, you can offer to cook a meal together, which can remind your loved one to get up, get moving, and engage in self-care. At the same time, they’re not alone. You’re there providing the ingredients and the primary role as cook. All you’re asking them to do is to come into the kitchen with you, maybe measure some ingredients, or perhaps cut up some veggies. This shared experience takes comfort food to the next level because you’re there.

When You Bring Food, You Build Connections

Food is a fundamentally connecting element of the human experience. It’s more than simply a gift. After all, you might give someone a candle, a pair of cozy socks, or a warm blanket that is much beloved, but any of those items can also be discarded, forgotten, or left unused. It’s not personal, of course. Some people just don’t need those extra items, regardless of how much they mean coming from the giver.

Food, in contrast, is a necessity. When you provide nourishment to someone, they’re almost always going to eat the food. The feelings they get from that food will be directly connected to you, your gift, and your compassion. This connection then builds memories and feelings of fondness. You are now part of the bereaved’s healing process, which forms a bond between you and the bereaved. Food, in short, builds connections.

Nourishment Keeps the World Spinning

If you’ve never lost someone close to you, you might not realize that, for many people suffering from a loss, the world simply stops spinning. You can’t think beyond the fact that the deceased is no longer with you. And you don’t understand how anyone can move on with their lives, as if nothing happened. People keep going to work, brushing their teeth, and laughing at funny movies, and your whole world has stopped.

But the reality is that the world has not actually stopped spinning. Teeth do still need to be brushed, and bodies still need sustenance. When you provide food for someone who is grieving, you help keep that world spinning. By helping them meet their basic needs, you’re giving them the space to grieve without forcing them to do the things that feel so impossible, like make a meal. Then, when they’re ready to start coming back into the world, they’ll have the energy to take those first steps.

When All Else Fails, Food Shows Up

In the end, food is a constant for everyone. You might not have the right words for your loved one. They might not want to talk at all. They might not even want to see anyone. But you can drop off a casserole. You can have some soup delivered. You can arrive with groceries and prepare a meal in complete silence. Food doesn’t require you to figure it all out right now or move through talk therapy. It just asks to be eaten, and, again, everyone needs to eat.

If your loved one is someone who is particularly resistant to moving through their grief process, think hard about what their favorite foods are or what the most palatable foods might be. Choose classic comfort foods like chicken soup or spaghetti, rich with the nutrients that keep the body strong. Prepare your dishes with lots of onions, garlic, herbs, and veggies. The aromas will fill the house and offer a comforting presence long before the bereaved takes a bite.

As you move through the weeks and months after your loved one experiences a loss, keep them in mind every time you prepare a meal. Many people send a card, a sympathy gift package, or a meal in the days after a loss. But grief continues on for months and even years. When you send a care package of cookies or a basket of herbal teas a few months after the funeral, you can potentially lift the spirits of your loved one, helping them continue the grieving process. Food really does have that much power.